Ayaan: "When you're dead I'll move into this house"
Ummm....dude, you're FIVE and you LIVE in this house!
Overheard Ayaan (age 5): “my parents are dead because I am a...
There are two types of parents: those who at one point or another have really fought the urge to do some serious spanking and those who lie about having the urge to spank. Do control the urge, spanking doesn’t work, but don’t feel guilty for thinking about it
Trying to maintain a clean house with a couple of kids is like trying to fight a full-grown Hippo with toothpicks. Not only you can’t win, you cannot even imagine it in your wildest dreams. Stressing over it will only accelerate your hair loss (exhibit A: you cannot see it but I am pointing at my head).
"I accidentally bit my pinky toe"
Kids and I were singing “O’ Canada”. We stopped and Ayaan kept singing: “O, Candyland”. The boy has his priorities straight.
I have $1000? Wow, I can buy Africa with that much money– Safiya when she was 8
Safiya: "Why is your shirt wet?"
Hamza: "I was washing my armpits"
Safiya: "With soap?"
Safiya, nodding in approval: "Good"
Back in 2010 our family computer mouse had been missing. I spent an insane amount of time looking for it and finally found it under the kitchen refrigerator. Obviously, I put it back near the computer keyboard. A few hours later:
Ayaan: “I found it”
Me: “What did you find?”
Ayaan: “I found the computer mouse”
Me: “No you didn’t, I found it”
Ayaan: “Me and you both found it”
Me: “I found it under the fridge”
Ayaan: "And I found it”
Me: "Where did you find it?”
Ayaan: "I found it right here” (he points at the mouse next to the keyboard)
Me: "I put it there”
Ayaan: "And I put it here”
Me: “Where was it before?”
Ayaan: "It was right here (points at half an inch away from the mouse) and I put it here (points at the mouse). So I found it too"
I don’t think that’s really what “finding” is
Ayaan: "I found the mouse"
Uh, but I thought we both found it. Uh forget it I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, he has a prosperous future in politics.
Me: “For the love of everything cute and cuddly, why are you off bed again?”
Hamza: “I am scared”
Me: “Okay, you can sleep with your lights on”
Hamza: “I am not scared of monsters, they are not real”
Me: “Then what are you afraid of”
Hamza: “I am afraid of what’s going to happen if an asteroid hits the Earth when I am sleeping”
Me: "Hamza, that's just...just ... just ... uh ... oh shoot! Should've built a bomb shelter in the basement. Argh, now I wont be able to sleep all night"
Ayaan comes to the basement, picks up a hammer and hits himself on the head.
Me: “Why did you do that”
Ayaan, rubbing his head: “I was trying to fix myself”
Awww, poor baby!
Up since 3am
Heard noises at 3am. Went out to see. Turned out that kids were changed and ready for school. Busted internal body clock?
“Do you know that song?”
“I am sixty and I know it”
“Hehe, it’s not I am sixty and I know it. It’s I am … umm … you’re right. It’s ‘I am sixty and I know it”
“Omair uncle is surprising me with a skateboard tomorrow”
“Oh ya? It’s a complete surprise?”
“Yes, it’s a big surprise”
“Make sure you are surprised”
“I am so surprised I get my surprise tomorrow”
“You are cheating!”
“I am cheating cuz you are cheating”
“But I was cheating cuz you were cheating”
—- Brain, explode!
My kids hit the “too embarrassed to do what you asked us to do because we think you don’t know what you’re talking about” stage a bit too soon :(
I got a goal!!! Without cheating this time!” - Ayaan.
"Safiya, why are you all dressed up"
"Aren't we going to see fireworks?"
I only drank 5/6th of a cup. That is, like, a third of the cup, exactly.– Safiya Hamid
Lessons from Prometheus, sequel of Starship...
Starship Troopers and Armageddon have a sequel. It’s called Prometheus. Here’s the deal, in a nutshell. An android takes a tiny pencil-dot size alien goo from the alien planet, puts it in a cocktail to give to a man. The man sleeps with a woman. The woman, the very next day, gives birth to an alien octopus (this is what alien-goo-in-a-cocktail does to men, it instantly turns their...
Found your phone
Ayaan (age 5) with his hand inside [i]my[/i] pocket: hey, I found your phone
Me: Err, it wasn't lost
Ayaan: It was to me. And now I found it.
So we are walking in a mall when Ayaan sees a couple and yells off the top of his lungs: “Look, Pakistanis”. Thanks Ayaan.
You can marry the garbage man
Safiya (age 10): Ayaan, don't be stupid
Ayaan (age 5): You call me stupid??? Go timeout!
Ayaan: In the Garage!
Safiya: How long?
Ayaan: Stay in the garage. Don't come out. Not even when you get married. Not even when you have kids!
Safiya: But how will I get married if I live in the garage and never come out
Ayaan: You can marry the garbage man
Safiya points at the cat.
Safiya: “Oh wait, I can’t point at proper nouns. Sorry”
Hamza: “What’s a proper noun”
Safiya: “Uh, like, for example … you are a proper noun”
Hamza yells out in a highly offended voice: “She is calling me a proper noun”
Back in 2010, 6 year old and 3 year old were fighting with a sword. 3 year old yelled out: “Wait, pause, Dark Gator (Darth Vader) has to go peepee.” That’s Nature: 1; Vader: 0.
Not Cool →
Disney is the Most Magical Place on Earth →
Sleep Time Struggle →
The Bad Guy Who Came To Our House And Put Water... →
She looks like a boy!
Ayaan (age 5), looking at the Justin Bieber poster: "Wow, she looks like a boy!"
Me: Ayaan, he is a boy
Ayaan: Oh. Then he looks like a girl
How Going Back To Childbirth Keeps Me Sane →
Brrrr, it’s so cold outside you even have to wear your underwear– Safiya, just before her 8th birthday. Don’t ask.
miracle of handwriting
**[From March 2010]**
Hamza: “S in my class has a really bad handwriting"
Safiya: Oh ya?
Hamza: He told us all a secret today
Safiya: What is it?
Hamza: He said he can write really well. He just chooses not to
Safiya: What? That’s so cool
Hamza: Ya, it’s a miracle
Safiya: Total miracle
I dreamt I was in a coma for 5 months. I woke up and had beautiful hair. Doctor said: “turned out your hair could grow, you just kept shaving it off”. Could it be true?
you shoot yourself
Kids had friends over. One of their friends, grade 3’er, yelled “fine, suit yourself”. Ayaan, my 3 year old yelled back: “Nooo! YOU shoot yourself”.
[From March 2010] So long, my 52” LCD TV. I went to Washington DC for a week. I got back tired and hungry. After putting Ayaan to bed as I walked towards the kitchen to get food what do I notice? A huge scratch on the TV, that’s what. On close inspection I could see several small dents. It seems like someone repeatedly hit the TV with something. When Hamza cracked my previous TV, he did...
Safiya (not yet 8): “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up”
Me: “What do you mean”
Safiya: “I mean, I don’t know if I want to be a scientist, or a tattoo artist, or a belly dancer”
Yes, I can totally see how they are all related. Totally.
[From Feb 2010] Ayaan, not yet three, just came to me and said: “Can we go to Tim Hortons and get me a blueberry bagel with cream cheese and a small double-double please?”
Ayaan wakes me up at some unholy hour. “What do you want, Ayaan?” ”I am going to wake up bhai and aapi so we can eat cereal together” (his brother and sister) ”Okay” [in hindsight, I shouldn’t have said okay] As soon as I fall asleep, he wakes me up again. ”What?” ”Sorry for waking you up” ”It’s okay, what do you need?” ”Nothing. I wanted to tell you something” ”Okay, tell me”...
[From Feb 2010] We just came back from the Disney World. After the Buzz Light-year ride, my not-yet-three year old yelled (in a crowded room I might add): “That was fun, I like killing”. 30 or so people turned around to look at my embarrassed face (no really, I don’t teach him that stuff).
[From Feb 2010] My not-yet-three year old wanted something the 6 year old had. The 6-year-old went: “I’ll share with you. But you’ll have to give it back to me”. “Okay”, he replied. A few minutes later he comes in with a grin: “it’s all gone”. “Where did it go”, I asked. “I put it in the potty and flushed it”. He has been doing it a lot, so I put him on a timeout where he spent a few...
Before becoming parents who ever thinks they’d happily stand in line for 40-freaking-five minutes for a 60 second pony ride? Well if it shuts them up for a minute or so …
Hmm… Before I became a parent I never thought I’d put my hand in the toilet to retrieve whatever was thrown in there, without thinking twice about it. I guess I know why soap was invented.