How Going Back To Childbirth Keeps Me Sane →
Brrrr, it’s so cold outside you even have to wear your underwear– Safiya, just before her 8th birthday. Don’t ask.
miracle of handwriting
**[From March 2010]**
Hamza: “S in my class has a really bad handwriting"
Safiya: Oh ya?
Hamza: He told us all a secret today
Safiya: What is it?
Hamza: He said he can write really well. He just chooses not to
Safiya: What? That’s so cool
Hamza: Ya, it’s a miracle
Safiya: Total miracle
I dreamt I was in a coma for 5 months. I woke up and had beautiful hair. Doctor said: “turned out your hair could grow, you just kept shaving it off”. Could it be true?
you shoot yourself
Kids had friends over. One of their friends, grade 3’er, yelled “fine, suit yourself”. Ayaan, my 3 year old yelled back: “Nooo! YOU shoot yourself”.
[From March 2010] So long, my 52” LCD TV. I went to Washington DC for a week. I got back tired and hungry. After putting Ayaan to bed as I walked towards the kitchen to get food what do I notice? A huge scratch on the TV, that’s what. On close inspection I could see several small dents. It seems like someone repeatedly hit the TV with something. When Hamza cracked my previous TV, he did...
Safiya (not yet 8): “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up”
Me: “What do you mean”
Safiya: “I mean, I don’t know if I want to be a scientist, or a tattoo artist, or a belly dancer”
Yes, I can totally see how they are all related. Totally.
[From Feb 2010] Ayaan, not yet three, just came to me and said: “Can we go to Tim Hortons and get me a blueberry bagel with cream cheese and a small double-double please?”
Ayaan wakes me up at some unholy hour. “What do you want, Ayaan?” ”I am going to wake up bhai and aapi so we can eat cereal together” (his brother and sister) ”Okay” [in hindsight, I shouldn’t have said okay] As soon as I fall asleep, he wakes me up again. ”What?” ”Sorry for waking you up” ”It’s okay, what do you need?” ”Nothing. I wanted to tell you something” ”Okay, tell me”...
[From Feb 2010] We just came back from the Disney World. After the Buzz Light-year ride, my not-yet-three year old yelled (in a crowded room I might add): “That was fun, I like killing”. 30 or so people turned around to look at my embarrassed face (no really, I don’t teach him that stuff).
[From Feb 2010] My not-yet-three year old wanted something the 6 year old had. The 6-year-old went: “I’ll share with you. But you’ll have to give it back to me”. “Okay”, he replied. A few minutes later he comes in with a grin: “it’s all gone”. “Where did it go”, I asked. “I put it in the potty and flushed it”. He has been doing it a lot, so I put him on a timeout where he spent a few...
Before becoming parents who ever thinks they’d happily stand in line for 40-freaking-five minutes for a 60 second pony ride? Well if it shuts them up for a minute or so …
Hmm… Before I became a parent I never thought I’d put my hand in the toilet to retrieve whatever was thrown in there, without thinking twice about it. I guess I know why soap was invented.
...because I said so
“Because I said so” is a perfectly valid reason. Do it because I would like you to do it! Because I swear to God, if I have to explain one more thing I am going to jump out the I window, head first of course. I want it done. Just do it. Because I want it. Oh forget it, I’ll do it myself.
Before I was a parent, I never, ever, thought there would be moments I would have to struggle not to spank a child. I mean, what kind of monster wants to hit a 3 year old? Apparently the monster who has to live with the said 3 year old.
When you were a man
Hamza, to me: “When you were still a man…”
Me, horrified: “Wait, what do you mean ‘still a man’?”
Hamza: “You know, when you were a grownup”
Shew! For a second I thought he did not think of me as a man.
Wait, what does he mean when I was a grownup? What am I now?
[From December 2009] Ayaan, the two-year-old, comes up saying “I want to do pilates”. I am thinking ‘what?’ The 7-year old yells out “come, I’ll help”. She sets up the Wii, brings out the Wii-fit board, pops in some DVD and they all start doing yoga and pilates. I still don’t know what pilates actually is, but apparently they do it regularly.
86c for a car wash?
Back in December 2009, Ayaan (he was 2) passed by a gas station. He gives out a big huff of air and yells out in utter shock and disbelief: “argh, it’s 86c for car wash?” Gas costs around that much per litre in Canada. Now gas is almost twice that.
**[From December 2009]** Someone knocks at the door
Hamza (yelling): “There’s someone at the door. He has white skin”.
Safiya: “Hamza, you dont say that!”
At this point I am thinking good, at least the 7 year old has some sense. But then I heard this:
Safiya: “You say light brown skin”
Hamza (still screaming): “There is a light brown guy at the door”
**[From December 2009]**
Safiya: How old is Canada?
Me: About 150 years old.
Safiya: Wow, that is so old. That is a very long time ago! One-hundred-and-fifty-years! Were you there when they discovered Canada?
Safiya: Oh, so only grandma was there?
[From December 2009] We pass by four motorcycles. Ayaan informs me: “look, four motorcycles.” Like any other father, I come home all proud that my two year old can count. I take him to the kitchen in front of THREE cups and ask him to count. He goes: “one, two, four”. I tell him, “No, it’s one, two, three”. “No, it’s four”, he replies. Determined, I put five cups. “Count now”. “One,...
3, 2, 1 ... GO!
[From December 2009] Ayaan’s (partially) potty trained (he’s 2.5 yrs old). When he is about to, umm, urinate, he yells out “3, 2, 1 … GOOOO” followed by an assurance “it’s coming”. Good to know he has that part mastered. Now only if I can get him to do “number 2” that successfully …
**[From December 2009]**
Ayaan: I have to go to the bathroom
Me: Oh. Lets get out, quick
Ayaan: It’s okay, I am done now
Me: Done what?
Ayaan: I did already, I don’t have to go anymore
Me: Kids, we are going to the other pool now. Fast.
My kids sleep at 7:30. Yet sometimes they seem really tired during the day and I noticed dark circle around my eyes. Yesterday I asked Hamza (age: 6) to wake me up when he wakes up so we could put together the bionical we had bought the day earlier. That guy comes to my room and wakes me up at 2:30am! I send him back. Around 5 he comes again, at which point he has already woken up his sister...
Having to clean poo from your favourite rug or having to go hunting around the house for poop because your 2 year old decided to change himself after the accident. And I am not sorry for putting the image in your head.
punching & kicking
[From November 2009] Saw Ayaan punching his sister. Me: “Ayaan, what are you doing?” I was hoping it was enough to indicate that I was watching, therefore he should stop. Ayaan: “I am punching her cuz she turned the Wii off” At this point, he kicks her. So much for me “watching”. What the heck did my parents do to make me so terrified of them????? Update: I am transferring...