Why My Hair Dont Grow No More
- Safiya points at the cat.
- Safiya: “Oh wait, I can’t point at proper nouns. Sorry”
- Hamza: “What’s a proper noun”
- Safiya: “Uh, like, for example … you are a proper noun”
- Hamza yells out in a highly offended voice: “She is calling me a proper noun”
- **[From March 2010]**
- Hamza: “S in my class has a really bad handwriting"
- Safiya: Oh ya?
- Hamza: He told us all a secret today
- Safiya: What is it?
- Hamza: He said he can write really well. He just chooses not to
- Safiya: What? That’s so cool
- Hamza: Ya, it’s a miracle
- Safiya: Total miracle
- Hamza, to me: “When you were still a man…”
- Me, horrified: “Wait, what do you mean ‘still a man’?”
- Hamza: “You know, when you were a grownup”
- Shew! For a second I thought he did not think of me as a man.
- Wait, what does he mean when I was a grownup? What am I now?
- **[From December 2009]** Someone knocks at the door
- Hamza (yelling): “There’s someone at the door. He has white skin”.
- Safiya: “Hamza, you dont say that!”
- At this point I am thinking good, at least the 7 year old has some sense. But then I heard this:
- Safiya: “You say light brown skin”
- Hamza (still screaming): “There is a light brown guy at the door”
[From October 21st, 2009]
Hamza turned six.
At night he comes to me, lifts his arm all the way up and says“I always had to do this to reach the light switch”.
At this time he puts his arm down to just above his head and says: “…but today I had to do this. I was so confused. And then I remembered I turned six today.”
Right.
- **[From October 2009]**
- Hamza: “Baba, why am I so cute?”
- Baba: “Cuz you’re a Hamid”
- Hamza: “Ya, and aapi (Safiya) and Ayaan are cute”
- Baba: “They are Hamids too”
- Hamza: “And you are cute”
- Baba; Ya, I am a Hamid”
- Hamza: “But Mama is only half-cute”
- Baba: “Why is that?”
- Hamza: “Cuz she’s a Duran”
- ”Mama” did not find the conversation nearly as amusing as I did.
- **[From September 2009]**
- So I tuck the kids into bed and am making myself tea when I hear footsteps.
- Me: “Who is coming down? You are in deep trouble”
- Footsteps paused.
- Me: “Who is it?”
- Ayaan: “This is Ham-chcha”
- I hear footsteps upstairs
- Hamza: “noooo, it’s not me. It is Ayaan”
- Ayaan: “No, I am Ham-cha”
- Me: “Whoever you are, go back to bed right now”
- Pause
- Ayaan: “I am thirsty. I want water”
- Me: “Go drink it upstairs”
- Pause
- Ayaan: “I have to tell you something”
- Me: what?
- Ayaan: I was sleeping and Hamcha went down the stairs and woke me up
- Hamza, protesting: I am in my room!
- Ayaan: I heard you say Hamcha.
[True story from September 2009]
Someone gave me two tickets to the air show (thank you, once again!) So I did what any father would do, I took my two boys and left the house to turn it into a Hamid-family-male-bonding-day. The only problem was that the other two Hamids are 5 and 2!
First we got stuck at the traffic forever. Yes yes, should’ve taken the train. I got it now. Then, we spent an hour looking for parking (yes, an hour). Eventually I found something 3.5 kms away from the air show, which is when I realized I didn’t take the stroller. Oh get this, this wasn’t entirely legal parking. I did pay $15 to park, but it was in a residential building and all visitor spots were taken. So I parked at the reserved spot. $15 earned me that, I think.
Waking 3.5 kms with two young children was nothing. The “fun” started when we got there. The morons at CNE didn’t know where the air-show was. One of them pointed me to a direction (”go there and find a place”) and failed to mention that “there” was far, FAR away AND that they had a free shuttle going from here to there. We were already so late, we made a run for it. I was still carrying the 2 year old while the 5 year old tried not to complain.
So eventually we got to a bridge. Nope, not it. Then a second bridge, not that either. At which point I decided to go see the map and noticed a third bridge. “Is that the right one?” Being a good consumer, I decided to ask a worker. That waste of skin directed me towards somewhere totally different. What the heck? How difficult is it to say: “I don’t know” or “I am not sure”? Idiots!
By this point the kids were tired and decided they wanted to go on rides instead (btw, the third bridge was it). To make things worse, since the 2 year old could just hear loud planes and not see them, he decided he was afraid of them.
Alright, fine. Lets go on rides. Each ride was $4 per child. WTH? Merry Go Round for $8? So poor kids just went on 3 rides before I ran out of cash. We spent rest of the time walking around.
Oh guess what, when I got back they had called the tow truck. I just made it out before it showed up.
Did I mention I was fasting? Yes sir, 5 hours of walking in the sun with not a drop of water to drink.
Yup, that’s why my hair doesn’t grow anymore!
[On the flip side, the kids had a blast. Weird]
- [from September 2009] I was at my parents’ when I heard the 5 year old screaming in fear. I turned around and saw him run past me and hide behind the couch. I looked further and saw the 2 year old chasing him with a can of Febreze (except he thought it was Raid).
- Me: Ayaan, what are you doing?
- Ayaan: I am trying to kill him.
- Me: Huh? Don’t kill your brother.
- Ayaan: No, I want to kill him.
- Me: Come here, give me that.
- Ayaan: I said, I REALLY WANT TO KILL HIM
- Me: Come here!
- Ayaan: I am not talking to you
- Me: Can you come here please?
- Ayaan: I said, I am not talking.
- … And he’s two! My future! He is supposed to carry the family name forward, spread my DNA.
- **[from Aug 2009]**
- Hamza: Why do some people say 'black people' or 'white people'
- Me: What do you mean?
- Hamza: No one's white or black, everyone's brown. Some people are just lighter brown than others
- Me: I've raised you well
- Hamza: What?
- Me: Nothing
